Shake that Groove Thing

The other day I was reading through movie reviews before making my next NetFlix choice, and the reviewer referred to the plot of this particular foreign drama as “... robust as the handshake of a gimp.” At first I chuckled to myself at the analogy then back-peddled, “Hey, wait a minute, that’s not a very nice comparison, and that’s me -- I have the handshake of a gimp!”

In my line of work, I meet new people often: customers, clients, and mainland visitors. A customary handshake often opens the meeting and concludes the sale. I am a quadriplegic, and I have the more-or-less fist offering. We meet, you offer an open hand to shake, and I stick out my arm with a fist -- sort of a limp thrust forward.

The responses to my handshake are interesting. From good to bad: #1. the double hand coupling reception, no problem, I got you covered buddy; #2. the single-hand, paper and stone; #3. the ok, let’s fist bump like NBA brothers; #4. the single-hand, whoa, this is awkward, I’ll just pinch your gimpy thumb; and #5. the single-hand offer then pull-back, I’ll just pat your shoulder instead....

Since #3 seems the most hip, I find myself voicing the phrase before we shake, “Give me some knuckles....” Kids respond best to this approach, although most take you up on the offer with a stiff punch. Older folks don’t understand the request, but they usually do the #1 handshake anyway. It’s all the people in between that find the handshake of a gimp awkward. And I don’t blame them, we depend on that first touch to convey something about ourselves. The handshake is thought by some to have originated as a gesture of peace by demonstrating that the hand holds no weapon.

I found one work-around to the peculiar gimp handshake: at a distance, acknowledge the person with a smile and do a simple head bow before they get too close, then start turning away, gesturing the ensuing route to be taken. Of course, this doesn’t work when the person is overly enthusiastic, and approaches saying, “Hey man, I heard great things about you; let me shake your hand!” Oh no, limp thrust forward; response #4.

Shaking hands is considered the standard greeting in business situations. In casual, non-business situations, men are more likely to shake hands than women. It is considered to be in poor taste to show dominance with too strong a handshake; conversely, too weak a handshake (sometimes referred to as a “dead fish”) is also considered unseemly due to people perceiving it as a sign of weakness.

I’ve noticed blind people have trouble with handshaking too. Have you ever seen two blind people introduced to each other? They often do the air-shake-thing before awkwardly bumping the backs of their hands, then proper connection is made.

Hmmm. What about Hawaii Senator Dan Inouye, Medal of Honor recipient; combat wounded veteran of WWII? He’s a big-time politician. He is a right arm amputee. He does the left hand handshake -- and has shook more hands as an eight-term U.S. Senator than I will ever shake in my life. His handshake is that casual, take my left hand, my right is clearly absent. And most people leave with the elation of having had the opportunity to shake the hand of an accomplished man.

Stephen William Hawking. He has experienced a neuron disease for practically all his adult life. Yet it has not prevented him from having an attractive family, and a successful career in the fields of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics. How does this severely disabled quadriplegic shake hands with his fellow scientists? I guess he really doesn’t do the handshake thing. Probably gets a lot of #4 and #5.

There’s probably no resolve on this matter. As long as handshaking is the norm, creative work-arounds need to be honed. Allrighty then, someone is at the door; got to go. I hope it’s an older person.